Recently, and really quite out of the blue, I’ve been considering getting my helix pierced − that’s the outside edge of the earlobe to the uninitiated, not to be confused with the ‘conch’ or ‘daith’ (google them).

To put this in some context, I am, so far, devoid of all piercings bar two grown-over holes I had punched into my lower lobes at local jewellers shop ‘Michelle’s’ circa age 14 − to date, the smell of surgical spirit still gives me the shivers. In fact, I wear hardly any jewellery at all, so the whole helix thing is totally unexpected, even to myself.

“Yet still, over the last two months I’ve found myself repeatedly trawling Pinterest, curating a little board of fantasy ears, bedecked in shiny, side-saddle piercings that, until now, I wouldn’t have been seen dead with. It’s bizarre.”

It can only lead me only to the conclusion that I must be experiencing what they call a pregnancy style crisis. Aka a bump rut, or as I like to call it, Humpty’s final fling into ‘I’ve still got it’ territory. Coincidentally (or not) the whole helix thing started around about the time I really started to show and had to pack 80% of my wardrobe away into Ikea hampers under the bed, only to wear the same 3 dresses and 1 pair of & Other Stories joggers on rotation – basically the only garments with enough lycra content to accomodate by burgeoning bump.

That said, I also blame Maria Tash, New York City’s piercer du jour, and her Liberty pop up back in February. That was surely the catalyst for this sudden, and quite out of character, obsession (the irony being that any kind of piercing is generally discouraged while you’re expecting for fear of infection). Which may actually make this the ultimate virtual fantasy. No pain and all gain, until the baby is born that is, at which point I plan to get my left helix pierced as a mark of my rock-solid womanliness and initiation into motherhood. Surely by that point, that level of pain will be a breeze? Erm, won’t it?

Until then, I’ll just have to make do with my fantasy Pinterest board and trawling the Venus by Maria Tash website on a daily basis, pouring over which of the beautifully intricate helix rings (see above, prices start from around $105 for the simplest designs) I’ll go for. The only problem being, I’ve just spent my entire 2016 piercing budget on a second-hand Bugaboo bee. Talk about a clash of priorities.

Photography via